John Legend #togetherathomeconcert
It was Thursday, April 26th, and I was on my 8th day of working from home. I always say that I love being at home more than I love being anywhere else. It's not too big, but I have a great home office, and a small patio that I had rediscovered. Each morning by 8 AM, I would be sitting outside with my small TV either playing news, a program that I could half listen to, or that I could stream music from. That, along with my laptop made for a great workday. That morning my body didn't want to wake up. The covers were especially heavy that morning. The air was especially cold, and the sky was unwelcoming. Nevertheless, I sat outside and began my work – or tried to. It was a news clip that caught my attention. John Legend had streamed a live concert from his living room, and I was intrigued. All of a sudden, watching him, and his wife (who chose to wear a towel for the performance), and his daughter in their living room made me somehow feel connected to not only them, but to the rest of his audience. His words and music reminded me of the greater reason for staying home. Up until that point, I had been isolated, and overwhelmed, and feeling like my plans for a great last quarter had been stolen from my students and from me. All of a sudden, I found myself feeling like a part of a greater goal: to flatten the curve, and to remember that my staying home was actually a part of a fight to help get this virus over faster. Stevie Wonder's song, Love's in Need was the exact song I needed to feel connected to the rest of the world, and to remind myself that all of this is only temporary. You know, it's easy to get focused on COVID19, and on the fact that I'm alone at home most of the time, and on the fact that I won't get to see my students (the young humans who make my days worth waking up for), but sometimes in those dark moments we need to stop and flip the script. We could choose to focus on that story, or we could choose to focus on the bigger picture. All around the country are people who are doing their part to help each other.
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I walked back into my classroom on the Monday after spring break, pulling my cart, coffee in hand, chocolate donut in my bag. It was 6:15 AM. I missed my classroom, and I missed my routine. Turn on the lamp, plug back in the fridge, stock the fridge with lunch, wipe down the desk down, turn on music, and begin my morning ritual of reading the news, thinking about the lesson, and getting ready to receive my students. Except I knew that I wouldn't be receiving students today – at least for the week. Ms. Adame comes in at 7:30, Ms. McBride and Ms. Weber come in a little later – and having met all my friends again made the world feel normal again.
And then it wasn't normal anymore. We attend a staff meeting where we were told to pack up our rooms as if we would not be back until next school year. What? I am a planner. It makes me feel secure, and it makes me have a sense of control in a world where I have NO control. My classroom was one of the places where I could find this control. Until all of a sudden, it was no longer the place where I was in charge. Actually, no one is in charge right now. The living being that is in charge is named COVID19, and it is an organism for which I am not an expert. I spent the remainder of the day turning in technology, cleaning, trying to pack and organize all of the items in my class for moving next year, and trying to make sure that I had everything to bring home to prepare for next year. That's it. All of my summer work, all of my new learning, all of my new ideas – over. What's happening here? There is a challenge on TikTok where people start out in one position, and then switch with the other person in the video. It's usually funny, sometimes offensive, always a guessing game. Flipping Flipping again That was my first week after spring break. A guessing game. Trying to think about what should come next, what my students need, what my home needs. Will the store have supplies, will I get paid, will I see my students... endless questions. It started to feel overwhelming. It still feels that way. More answers lead to more questions, until we end up with a certainty that things will be changing every day. And so that's how I do this. I wake up every day knowing that I will learn something, will find out that it may not be the best way to do something, and might find out that it's obsolete as soon as I figure it out. I can focus on the unknowns, or I can focus on the possibilities of the unknown, and know that if nothing else, I have the hope of learning – even if it's learning how something won't work. It's important to constantly strive to be better people. When I first started teaching, I was extremely demanding and unreasonable. It took quite a few years to become a reflective teacher and consider how and why I was making certain choices in my classroom. I spent the next five years apologizing to all of those students I had that year. Even now, if I ever run into them, I try to apologize for being harsh, giving way too much homework, and then basically shaming kids when they didn't get it done. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I learned that it's important to own my mistakes in order to become a better person.
This isn't the only time in my life that I am ashamed of. I remember a time about ten years ago when a person I was working with at a community service organization became extremely angry with me for publicly shaming her. The thing is - I didn't know I had done that. I just thought I was throwing shade in a playful way. Turn out, this person had been angry with me for YEARS for different things I had done over the years to make her feel bad. Again, none of this intentional. I remember going home and crying my eyes out for a few hours. I felt like a horrible person because I never wanted anyone to feel victimized because of me. These moments are the times when we have to take stock and think. What am I saying, how will it make someone feel, and is there a better way to do this? What is motivating my actions? When faced with someone who I've hurt, what can I do to not only make amends with them, but to learn from this mistake? Reflection is the best way to become a better human being. Taking a moment at night, in the morning, or whenever your mind is free is a good way to think about how and what you've done to make those in your life, and those you might not even know feel good today. Although most of us will never hate people the way Hitler and the Nazis did, we need to make sure that we are always thinking about our choices, the way we treat people, and asking ourselves if we are victimizing people, even if unintentionally. If you realize that you are doing this, the only solution is to do what you can to show that you're sorry (it's not enough to just say it), and then work hard to make sure it never happens again. "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better." This week as we read Night, we don't only learn about how Elie Wiesel's town of Sighet became a part of the transports by the Germans and Hungarians, but also how there were so many who were complicit in their persecution.
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